I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
