Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
