Already got asked if we're dating
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
