Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
