FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
