Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
