My liver just broke up with me...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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