theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
