I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
