I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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