hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
