I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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