If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
