I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
