I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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