Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
