idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
