if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
