Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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