i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
