I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
