you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
