do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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