so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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