Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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