So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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