the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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