Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
