Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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