I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
