guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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