We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
