If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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