I am in a vortex of obligation.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
