My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
