I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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