first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
