I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize