My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
