he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
