Pappa wants mamma naked
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
