I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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