A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Randomize
