nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
