i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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