If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
