the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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