the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
