Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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