I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
