I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
